Almost three months of sobriety down. I don’t count anymore really, I just have an app on my phone that I can check when I feel the inkling. I continue to go through changes both physical and mental even after this much time. It’s not a linear progression; some days are definitely better than others but there is a net positive when all is said and done. More and more I’m discovering what I truly believe in and what my philosophy of life is because I don’t have booze resetting my brain every night. It’s very difficult to maintain a consistent belief system when you’re in a constant fog.
My therapist tells me that he thinks I am bipolar and have ADHD; I’ve always suspected as much. This isn’t any cause to be unhappy or an excuse to wallow in self-pity. On the contrary, it’s good to know what I’m up against so that I can plan around it. There will be times (like this week) that I don’t feel like I have the energy to go to the gym or meal plan or anything productive like that at all. Some people accept that as defeat and let their lives tumble back out of control until they start to drink again. Not me. I am using the knowledge that this is just brain chemistry to fuel me into taking action regardless of how I feel.
My last post was a bit egotistical and that is, of course, one of my biggest challenges. I’ve just about finished reading Ego is the Enemy (one of my favorite books of all time; I keep re-reading the same sections over and over) and it helps to keep me out of my own head. Actions are truly the only thing in the world that matter. Not what we write about ourselves on the internet or the gilded half-truths we tell people about ourselves in idle conversation. Words are a form of manipulation in my opinion. Very little that anybody says is completely true, especially when they are talking about themselves or others. They are subconsciously trying to get you to feel a certain way about them. I’d just as soon stop partaking in those conversations altogether but through the lies, you can learn a lot about people.
I’d like to put together a writing schedule. Not necessarily a schedule for updating this blog but just to actually sit down and write for thirty minutes every day. If something worthy of posting comes out of it, great. It’s something I’ve always enjoyed doing and I need to get back to learning how to enjoy simple (free) things again.
Adieu for now…