Our personalities and character defects are like layers of an onion. When you peel away and discard (or correct) one flaw you find in yourself, there’s always more waiting to be found. This is true of everybody and I am not saying this in a sad tone at all. Quite the contrary, I am happy that with alcoholism seemingly in my rear-view I can begin working on the root causes of all of my anxiety and depression.
I have an appointment with a psychiatrist in early November. My therapist and I have agreed that I at least have ADHD and possibly BPD. I’m not one of those people who just gets diagnosed with a disorder and then cries woe is me this is my life now. Knowing exactly what I am dealing with has motivated me even more to overcome it. I am open to taking medication in the short term but only as a catapult to better habits and behaviors that will help me stay healthy off of the medication. Every time I see a blog post in which someone says “I have depression I couldn’t possibly ever go for a jog” I want to send a backhand across the internet. Some people are born weak, though. In the past the world would have eaten them up in order to use their nutrients to make something better but these days we have EBT.
I’ve still been reading a lot. Currently I’m bouncing back and forth between Traction by Gabriele Weinberg and Everything Trump Touches Dies by Rick Wilson. I tend to generally avoid politics but I caught a couple of pages of Wilson’s book online and it was absolutely hilarious so I picked it up to contrast the rigid info-packed books I read. It reminded me that when we are able to write out all of our beliefs without anyone interrupting us with their illiterate cancerous slogans, most intelligent people all want the same things. We disagree about how to get those things to happen, but we have far more in common than not.
It’s also led me to grapple with my contempt for the stupid. Should we pity or attempt to coddle the stupid or should we take advantage of them, grinding them through our corporate machines to turn their meat and sinew into money and success for ourselves? I don’t know the answer to that yet. Part of me feels that if you’re willfully stupid (refusing to read, incapable of self-reflection, etc) then there’s nothing inherently wrong with manipulating you.
But that will likely evolve as I continue on my sober journey. Hopefully.