As much as I’d love to be able to pick a topic and write a thoughtful essay on it, I’m not there yet. So for now I’m just going to continue writing about life and the lessons I’ve learned lately. Plans are to eventually take time to write more academic posts over the course of several days but to be honest I am just too busy right now; and that feels great!
I’ve always been bored on some level. In alcoholism it was because I repeated the same routine over and over every day which led to depression and feelings of worthlessness. I was always bored, just going through the motions. For six years of my addiction (by no means the entirety of it) I woke up at 6AM, already late for work but I was the boss so I thought nobody noticed (they did). I opened the restaurant and worked my 11 to 12 hour shift in a complete haze, definitely not doing my best work. Then I’d get off work, stop at one of my three usual stores, and drink and play video games until 1 or 2AM. The day after would be a recovery day where I’d fall asleep right after work but I’d be back at it the day after that. Sometimes I’d drink for three or four days straight without a recovery day and some days I’d be sober for two days (almost never three). But the depression and boredom never ended.
Even in early recovery I was bored, but for a different reason. The depression was still there although greatly lessened and it gradually continued to dwindle for the first few months. But boy was I bored! When you’re sober there are so many hours in the day to fill! In the beginning I took a lot of local trips with my mother and aunts but I sank back into a pretty deep depression around month three and stopped doing pretty much anything, fell back into gaming, and although I wasn’t drinking I don’t know if I’d call myself sober. AA throws around the term “dry drunk”. I don’t know if that’s what I was. I think I was just burnt out and trying to find my way. Fortunately I have always been extremely introspective and was able to work my way through it, partially due to the help of a therapist I still see to this day.
About a month ago something changed. Like light from the heavens shined down upon me, I was bestowed with a heretofore unseen level of motivation and pride (not the bad, Christian kind, I’m talking self-esteem). Now, I’m bipolar so I am used to having periods of manic energy where I pick up a dozen hobbies and burn out after two weeks which leads to a month long depression… but this was different. I was skeptical; cautiously waiting for the energy to fade and the depression to return. Knock on wood a month later I’m still going. I have some routines in place which help me and I make sure to take a day to just do nothing so that I don’t burn out. Planning a lazy day is a lot different from just not doing anything because you’re exhausted. I don’t get sad because of it, quite the opposite because I know that I’m taking care of myself.
So I’m still flying high. I’m on the 10th day of my yoga and meditation streak; I’ve even started doing yoga 2-3 times a day because it just feels so good (it hurts at first but once you get some days under your belt it feels like a full body massage when you finish). I’m also on my 10th day of a running streak but I’m only counting 4 because I feel like I wasn’t giving it my all the first 6 days. A friend who runs pretty much for a living gave me some great advice and now I’m on my A game. I’ve run more in the last 4 days than I have in my whole life collectively and that’s including when I was on the track team in high school.
I have plans to do some regular themed posts on certain days of the week to see how that goes. Full disclosure to my few readers: I am gearing up to publish a full blown website on recovery. I know, I know… 95% of sober people do this. I truly feel as though I have a unique perspective and voice in the community though and I genuinely want to help people. In truth it would give me an ego boost too, I won’t lie. Anyone who says otherwise is being deceptive. But we need to get something out of everything we do no matter how altruistic otherwise we will eventually quit.
As always, thanks for reading. I truly am grateful for everyone who reads or comments on my posts and seeing my visitor count go up with every post is exciting.