BPD

Oh muh gawd-being bipolar is a struggle! It never hit me while I was drinking because I was always in too much of a haze to think about it but now that I’m actively trying to better my life it feels like I hit a cement wall every two weeks. I’ve not written anything here for weeks because I just couldn’t. It was hard enough getting out of bed to go to work. The medication I was prescribed doesn’t work at all… I guess those three weeks of heavy productivity were just a placebo effect. However the fact that a placebo effect is even possible given my brain chemistry tells me that I can beat this. I’ve redoubled my focus on diet and exercise. Diet seems to be the key (go figure, science was right about that). The days where I make sure to pack a ton of fruit and veggies into my meals I get a lot more done and wake up the next day with more energy. Real energy, too, not the fake manic feelings I get.

It hasn’t all been storm clouds and self-pity, though. I’ve kept up (more or less) with my 5k training and I started school last Tuesday! I did attend a community college last year but dropped out because I just wasn’t retaining anything with all the booze in my brain. I’ve gone to the same community college in the past but this is the first time I’ve attended a real university. It’s a might expensive and I’ll probably have debt for years to come but it’s so worth it in my mind. I’m working towards a bachelor’s in computer science with a focus on advanced cyber security. Cyber security is in high demand these days and I’m hoping to one day have a 200k square foot house on the beach in Santa Monica. Haha, kidding but I am for sure tired of living paycheck to paycheck.

I also secured a promotion a couple of weeks ago but the new position doesn’t start until the 11th. Job-wise it’s a huge downgrade and is moving me in the opposite of my desired career track but it’s a $5000 a year raise and I’m not planning on working here beyond graduation anyway so I don’t think it’s that important. The extra money will be a nice cushion to get the rest of my current debt paid off and to start building my savings. I currently have more in my savings than I’ve ever had thanks to my tax refund and some better budgeting decisions. I haven’t even touched my refund and I put half of my check in that account every pay period so it should grow consistently. My stocks aren’t doing anything for me right now but I don’t think they’re doing anything for anybody.

Still sober and that’s really all that matters in the end right now. Over 9 months currently although I don’t track the days so I’m not sure of exactly how many. I still go to therapy every two weeks and group therapy every Wednesday. I occasionally glean some knowledge from group therapy but mostly all it does for me these days is remind me of how far I’ve come. I’m the only one from my original group who hasn’t relapsed (two people graduated out) and the new batch are pretty insane. I’ve talked before about the “creepy kind of Christian” that comes out of AA and that’s pretty much my whole group. My therapist in one of our personal sessions encouraged me to be more confrontational with people in expressing my own opinions and I tested that out on the group last week by challenging AA and their idea that Jesus is responsible for everything good in their lives. It was met with a ton of defensiveness and accusations that I’m just going to relapse because I don’t go to meetings. I laughed because they don’t know my thoughts or how I feel… even my therapist said that if there’s anyone he thinks will never relapse it’s me. It was still a net positive though because I felt like I stood up for myself… maybe for the first time in my life… and at least people knew what my stance was. For my whole life I’ve just agreed with people on the surface even though I was screaming on the inside. It’s something I’ll continue to work on because it just feels better to have people know how you feel instead of incorrectly assuming you agree with them. Obviously not everything is worth arguing over and not everyone is worth arguing with. That’s something I’ll have to learn as well. Also how you argue is important. Never make things personal and try to avoid the logical fallacies that seem to be the only mode of discourse this country knows anymore.

I feel good today. I’m not perfect and I never will be but I work towards being a little better every day.

2 thoughts on “BPD

  1. Congrats on your continued sobriety! It really has been the key to all good things, for me. And you’re so right about your career path — in my prior job we were always looking for experts on cyber security.

    I’m amazed at the courage you show in your journey with bipolar disorder. Some of the people I love most in the world struggle with this as well, and it’s nice to see how you support and encourage yourself in the midst of it all.

    Like

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