Still Alive!

It’s been a bit since I’ve written here. I had temporarily become somewhat of a perfectionist, not wanting to write anything that didn’t have a specific topic and lots of editing. That resulted in me never really finishing anything. I’m learning a lot about writing in college and while it is something I’d like to apply to my blog, I just don’t have time with everything going on in my life right now! Anyway, here’s a quick update for my friends here:

11 MONTHS! Yep I’m about 11 months sober now; quickly coming up on a year. I say every month that I never thought I’d make it this long a year ago but it’s even more unbelievable to come up on 365 days. Still going to one on one therapy (every 2 weeks) and group therapy (every week) which I honestly enjoy a lot. I’ve been in therapy in the past but I’ve never really clicked with a therapist like I do this one. We’re about the same age and he’s also in recovery (sober from painkillers 8 or so years) so he understands what it feels like. Group therapy I could take or leave; I skip one every few weeks but overall it’s good to have a reminder of how easy it would be to go back to drinking and have my life completely fall apart. At least once a month someone relapses and disappears from the program. We’ve even had a couple of them die which is … sobering.

School has been great this time around. It’s the first time I’ve attempted university completely sober since I graduated high school and even though I failed back then without any help from alcohol, I was definitely still behaving like an addict. University of Phoenix is an accelerated program so each class is only 5 weeks long meaning I’m already into week 2 of my second class. I am easily one of the more intelligent people in my classes which is strange to say because I never used to think of myself as particularly brilliant. Despite there being pretty strict rules on grammar and spelling for discussion posts, most of my fellow students still look as if they’re using text to speech to write their material. The only downside is that I’m going for a bachelors in computer science and my first semester has zero computer classes. I’m all for learning something new but I want something I can potentially take to a new job before I graduate. All in due time.

I have been horribly depressed which might come from nowhere considering the tone of my last two paragraphs. If you’re new, I am bipolar and have been trying different medications which so far have had the reverse effect on me. Lamotrigine is supposed to flatline your mood and it did but it flatlined it in my depressive state so while I haven’t been manic in over a month I also haven’t really been happy or motivated. I started taking the lowest possible dose of Zoloft two weeks ago to try to elevate my mood with the Lamotrigine but so far it has made me even more depressed. For me, normal depression is just a lack of desire to do anything but lay around all day. Now, though, I’m experiencing true pit of your stomach sadness which I’ve never really felt long term before. My dose goes up today and if it doesn’t fix the problem I’m going to go in sooner to change my plan. I’m not suicidal, but if this feeling were stronger I can definitely understand the warning on the label.

Part of my depression has affected my financial discipline a little bit. I’m not going out spending money frivolously but I built a new PC over the last couple of weeks. It was something I intended to do anyway I had just been holding off because I didn’t want to spend that much… well I ripped that band-aid off. It hasn’t been terrible: all said and done it was probably $800 for a PC that would retail for $1500 if you bought it pre-built. I remind myself that it is a genuine hobby that brings me joy that I had simply been afraid to indulge in. Everyone has them and I definitely have the income I just was being a bit extreme about saving to the point that I never had any fun. I’ll try to be mindful of that in the future.

So that’s it… some ups some downs. I think more ups than downs whether or not this post makes it seem like it. Hopefully my mood gets sorted soon because I just feel lazy. I still hold a job that I perform well at and I’m still doing awesome in school… just gotta remember that no matter how depressed and lazy I feel I still have those things going for me.

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