Coming Up on a Year

Day 341 which means… what… 24 days left in my first year of sobriety? It’s hard to believe I made it even this far. After trying to quit on my own for 10 years all it took was 12 days in rehab and some therapy. No AA, no praying, no “reinventing myself”. My therapist asked me if there was one thing I could tell struggling alcoholics what would it be and I said I’ve been telling them to go to rehab for 11 months but nobody listens. They all say they’re afraid to lose their job, it’s too expensive, etc. Pathetic, self-deceptive lies. It’s their life though. The vast majority of addicts simply die.

A lot has been happening in my brain lately. My current course in college is a psychology course aimed toward self-betterment and it’s led to a lot of mini-epiphanies. For one thing, I never noticed how lonely I am. Now I realize that loneliness was probably one of the major causes of my alcoholism. There were other causes but it’s probably in the top three. Loneliness isn’t, as I thought, simply not having anyone to hang out with when you feel like it. It’s not having people you can share your deepest fears with, mentors you can ask for honest advice from, or people to just give you a hug when you need it. Even in the prime of my social life, I didn’t have any of these things. Or they were very rare. I do have two friends I trust more than anyone in the world but they live on the other side of the country and texting just doesn’t do much for you.

So with that, my focus for the rest of 2019 is to make some damn friends. Quality friends, not the kind I’ve always had in the past. The kind I just fall in with because it’s easy and they worship me because I’m their better (just being honest, haha). People I can look up to, who are honest with me, who have goals and reach for them. It seems like everybody in my life right now is just settling for what they currently have. They’re just done. 30-40 years old and they’re already at the end of where their life is going to take them.

That is fucking depressing.

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