Sincerely. Sunday is the worst day of the week for me. By Sunday, I’ve done everything that needs to be done and I am genuinely bored. When I get bored, I get extremely unhappy. Wellbutrin masks a lot of the feelings but I was dejected enough yesterday for some to come through.
Superficially, I know that I need to learn to be okay with just being. It’s very difficult for me to not be bored, though. Gaming used to be my primary hobby and now I’ve almost no interest in it. Losing interest in things you used to find joy in is a sure sign of depression but I’ve also found joy in new things. My new hobbies simply don’t take up enough time! They could. If I let them. I digress.
Part of the problem could also be that I’ve been unable to go to the gym for the last four weeks and that’s making me feel incredibly lazy. I injured my back even further past the four weeks and it’s taking a very long time to recover. I’m on two different medications for that, an anti-inflammatory and a steroid… my morning pill regimen has become almost a fist full!
I look forward to the work week, every week. Sadly, my only face-to-face friends are coworkers. Are those even friends? We never see each other outside of work. Perhaps we could if I asked. I’ve always been terrible at asking for what I want. That should be a goal for September: find somebody to spend time with. People think that dating is hard, try finding a male friend!
Reading back over this, it sounds like I’m depressed. I’m not, I swear. I have a lot to be grateful for and I am grateful. But people like me always want more. It turns out that while in addiction I was very much a codependent B-type, in sobriety I am a major A-type personality! Well, nothing is that black and white… personality is a spectrum, like anything else. Every week that passes while sober, I get better at living a normal, healthy life. When I look in the mirror, I look even better than I did when I was a track athlete in high school. I always had a gut because of all the sugary drinks I consumed as a kid. That’s gone. I lose about a pound every two days. Once I can get back to the gym I’ll feel even more confident in myself.
It’s just those Sundays…
Also, I just got an odd spike in traffic. Has anybody else experienced that? Normally at this time (5am for me), I have about 12-20 views. I have 90 right now! Very disproportionate to the number of visitors, too. If it’s genuine, I’ll take it…