It’s Frustrating to be at the Whim of Others

Disclaimer: Don’t read this if you’re opposed to cursing or if you prefer to see me as an engine of positivity who never feels anger, sadness, or uselessness. We will return with our scheduled programming Monday.

One of the most difficult things about my sobriety is that while I am sober, I still have to live the life that I have caused myself through my alcoholism… for now anyway. Living with my mother and still very alcoholic brother is the major cause of my depression these days. The house is extremely dysfunctional and dirty, and it reminds me daily of how broken my family is (and by proxy, I am). Now don’t get me wrong, I love my mother and our relationship is better than it ever has been but she causes so many problems for herself which then spill over onto me because I am the responsible member of the family. It’s not fair but it is what it is.

My sister on the other hand, I am not so sure how I feel about her. Her mistakes have frequently caused hardship in my life one way or another. She has two bastard children whom I am always guilted into babysitting, my mother has to pay all of her bills because she is underemployed and destroyed her credit which affects me because I then have to help my mother pay for the things she needs, and perhaps the best of all is that none of us got an inheritance from our father because it was used to buy a townhouse for my sister to live in. I don’t care about the money, it wouldn’t have been that much (enough to get me out of debt for sure), it’s just icing on the shit cake.

This townhouse has again become a problem. My sister is living there illegally because the rules of the complex state that the owner of the townhouse must live there full time. My mother is the legal owner because, as I said, my sister has abysmal credit so even if my mother loaned her (loaned haha yeah right) the money, she wouldn’t get approved to live there. The complex is run by a fairly racist woman who is upset that my sister has black men entering her townhouse “at all hours” (in her defense she works nights so this is impossible) and scaring the other residents. She then accused my mother of not actually living there… which is of course true… and said she’d hate for her to lose her investment.

So, what will probably have to happen now is that I will have to move into this townhouse with my mother while my sister and her bastard children move into our house so that my mother doesn’t lose everything. The only good thing about this is, as I said, my relationship with my mother is pretty good now and the two worst members of my family will be living in a house together far away from me. But, I just spent $200 renovating my bedroom and will be moving into, unbelievably, an even smaller space. The complex is a complete ghetto-hell… I work in a court so am fully aware that most of our litigants who are drug addicts and alcoholics live in this particular area. Just the kind of environment to live in to really make me feel like my sobriety is taking me places.

I don’t know what’s going to happen for sure. I don’t even really know what the point of this post is. I’m frustrated that the direction of my life is completely out of my hands. I’ve been depressed and angry for two days. I’m about to go to the gym for the first time in weeks to blow off some steam. After that I don’t know what I’m going to do… I’m so bored and annoyed. There’s tons that I could do and I don’t feel like doing any of it.

But we’ll see what happens.

22 thoughts on “It’s Frustrating to be at the Whim of Others

  1. Long story short: I can empathize.

    As I wrote in one of my first memoir chapters:

    “Over the past 19 years, I have often wondered if there’s a generational curse in my genes because abuse, alcoholism, codependency, and suicide seem to run in my family the way others inherit a history of hypertension and heart disease. At least three Bible verses say God will punish children for their father’s sins, and three-quarters of my grandparents were not good people. For example, my father’s sister, Betty, blew her brains out in the ‘80s, but his seven remaining siblings would tell you that my grandfather was “a mean son of a bitch.” Claims to fame include pushing Grandma out of a truck he was driving and beating his kids in the middle of the night a la Joan Crawford.

    “On my mom’s side of the family, my grandmother grew up in an orphanage and learned even more about abandonment when she mistook sex for love, got pregnant at age 21, and the soon-to-be father left her. When his replacement began exposing his penis to my mom while driving her to school and holding a mirror to the crack beneath the bathroom door so he could watch her bathe, my grandmother decided that she would rather drink and ignore the problem than be homeless again.”

    My mom cheated on my father with his best friend and denied it for nearly two decades. At some point during that denial, she cheated on him again with another best friend.

    My father beat her for over 15 years until she fled to a domestic violence shelter with my diabetic, epileptic, and mentally disabled brother. But by the time she left, she was so used to fighting every day that she turned *me* into her enemy and created all sorts of unnecessary drama.

    This showed up at the top of my YouTube recommendations every day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nj5xbqqIuE8&feature=youtu.be I’d never heard of the guy (who’s been dead since 2003, btw), but a lot of what he said hit home. It’s long, but you may want to watch it. It may help.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you I’ll watch that video now. I need something to help me feel less futile! I know this is just a moment and will pass.

      You’re right about it being a familial thing. My family’s story isn’t as dark as yours seems to be… Ours is more neglect and addiction than abuse.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh, mine = neglect and addiction, too. My paternal grandfather drank. My father drank. My maternal grandmother drank. My mom drank. My mom and her mom killed themselves by drinking themselves to death.

        Reading my mom’s diaries after she died, it seemed like her mom never really wanted her. My mom basically treated me the same way. She devoted 24 hours a day to my brother, so I grew up alone in my room. She’d always said that when my brother died, she would kill herself. When I asked, “What about me?” She said, “You don’t need me.” So. :\

        At any rate, it’s an interesting video, particularly at and after the 1-hour mark.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Ok, first of all, excellent choice with a gym visit. At least you can burn your frustrations out in a healthy manner. So kudos for that one.
    As for the family crap, dude I am sorry! Ugh. I know there’s no magic fairy dust I can send you to make it all better (despite the tinkerbell tattoo). If there was, it’d be on the way right now. So I’ll lean on some cliches which hopefully make you smile instead of piss you off:
    * You have to look through the rain to see the rainbow
    * Everything happens for a reason (I groaned while typing that one)
    * Wake up every morning with the thought that something wonderful is about to happen.
    Ok, ok, I can stand typing any more of these in this blog of a comment. So I’m going Forrest Gump style with “sh!t happens”.
    Sending hugs! 🤗🤗🤗

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I’m so sorry and I’m glad to hear you are working on leaving. All of it sounds unhealthy, but what if God …[fill in the blank]. I don’t want to sound cliche either because everything in me wants to tell you to run. However, until you can, I love that you have goals to leave. Cling to that and/or the chance to be a witness to the better that you have right now. I pray it works out for you and you see God every step in front of you. Romans 11:33 You may not know where He is going or taking you, but you will always see where He has been when you look. Protect yourself, sir!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Sorry to hear this. Luckily, things never stay the same. Life goes up and down. If life feels down, then that me life is on it’s way up next. I’m rooting for you!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I went to the gym today too. I think I pulled a muscle up in my left shoulder area, but seems ok now. You have quite the home life, living situation there bro! I think what you are doing is the best choice, all things consider. This too shall pass….as I know that it will, based on my own experience, but that doesn’t really help you right now. So, grab your socks, bend over and kiss your ass goodbye cause we’re draining the swamp and someone’s gotta do it! You can do it bro….(((hugs))))💜

    Liked by 1 person

  5. My heart goes out to you. It’s a shame that people don’t realize how much damage they can do to themselves, their way of life, their family and their future. I’ve watched drug and alcohol abuse destroy my three sons and with two of them, the relationships with their kids, and my brother and one of his sons.

    Stay strong and focused.

    Liked by 2 people

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