Up and Down

I feel great today! Lately it’s been a roller coaster, though: happy one day, depressed the next. Usually it’s some trigger that sets me off like bad experiences in the dating apps or my alcoholic brother renting movies on my Amazon Prime account (and thus my credit card… don’t worry I changed my password). Today I didn’t let any of those triggers in. The minute I woke up I jumped out of bed, threw on shorts and a t-shirt, and went to the gym. Part of a happy life is not looking inward too much. That’s why people commonly say that those who struggle with depression are also very intelligent. We think too much, and when we think too much some of us tend to think about things that aren’t great. This is where mindfulness comes in! If I can focus on what I’m doing in the moment for even thirty minutes a day, that’s thirty minutes I’m not thinking about the awful things that could happen in my day.

Today’s workout was a bit rough! It’s arm and chest day and I’m not fully recovered from last time because I stopped working out during the bloody nose fiasco so my body isn’t used to it anymore. But, a short workout is still a workout and I get to mark it down in my planner as a streak! I need to start doing yoga at night again but I just really do not like yoga. Haha! I don’t know why, I just dread the thought of doing it.

I’ve put together a rough outline of the book I hope to write and I’m just writing on the topics in free-form mode. For me, it’s better to spill my guts onto a page and then edit it later rather than trying to moderate myself in the moment, even with blog posts. I almost always write my post around 6 AM but sometimes I’ll let it sit until 5 PM so that I can periodically look at it and edit it. I feel my best work comes out of that process, and the numbers appear to agree. There’s certainly value to my raw, personal posts in that it is very helpful to get advice from my friends here.

Some of you who have read much of my story here know me better than my local friends do because I don’t let them read my blog and I don’t talk to them about most of this stuff. I don’t know why. Perhaps it’s fear that they wouldn’t like me anymore, which is ridiculous because that’s been proven wrong to me so many times. It’s a habit, though.

I’ve been pretty lazy after work which I hate because it basically means I’m back to where I was before I started taking my medication. The reason I started taking all of these pills is because I was sick of being super active and positive for two weeks and then suddenly quitting everything and sitting in front of my computer for two months. I’m not as bad as I was so the medication is doing something but a piece of the puzzle is missing.

I know I need to work on my diet again, it’s really slipped lately. That might help but I take a lot of vitamins with my medication so I feel like I’m okay there. It’s probably just depression and anxiety. Even though I feel good today there is still that underlying feeling of fear and dread that’s always there. Like something horrible is about to happen but I don’t know what.

I finished the first chapter of 12 Rules for Life yesterday and so far the book is amazing. Probably the best psychology-slash-philosophy book I’ve ever read. Regardless of what you think of Peterson’s political views, he’s obviously extremely brilliant when it comes to psychoanalysis and biology. I plan on writing a post for every chapter not only so that you all get some benefit out of it but so that I cement it in my head as well. The best way to remember something is to re-write it in your own words, I think. Also using it in conversation… that’s how I remember new words. For example I learned that the word for my personality when I was a drunk is “sardonic”.

Cynical and mocking. Very accurate.