A Dark Weekend

My medication has definitely not only stopped working but is actually doing the opposite of its intention. I’ve never been this depressed before and it gets worse by the day. Tonight I see my therapist so that will probably help me feel a little bit better but I need to get in with the psychiatrist as soon as possible.

Depression is a downward spiral for me because it triggers a series of events which exacerbate the symptoms. First I start feeling lethargic and sleepy all day so I stay in my room, sitting around watching Netflix or gaming. Maybe taking lengthy naps. Then I start eating fast food and neglecting to cook the healthy meals I had been eating. I haven’t eaten a real vegetable in a week. I’ll start bailing on social situations which makes me feel even more isolated. Throughout all of this is a permeating feeling of “fuck it”. I willingly give all of these things up because “life sucks anyway, I’m never going to be anything” etc.

I might be coming out of it today. I’m not sure. I made a point to eat a bit healthier yesterday but still not as good as I should have. I still have that choking feeling of wanting to cry that follows me around throughout the day but it’s subsided a little bit. I am exhausted despite doing nothing yesterday and sleeping in an extra three hours today. At least I did start filling out my planner again after leaving it in my gym bag all weekend.

Not much else to say about it. A lot of you know how this feels.