A Dark Weekend

My medication has definitely not only stopped working but is actually doing the opposite of its intention. I’ve never been this depressed before and it gets worse by the day. Tonight I see my therapist so that will probably help me feel a little bit better but I need to get in with the psychiatrist as soon as possible.

Depression is a downward spiral for me because it triggers a series of events which exacerbate the symptoms. First I start feeling lethargic and sleepy all day so I stay in my room, sitting around watching Netflix or gaming. Maybe taking lengthy naps. Then I start eating fast food and neglecting to cook the healthy meals I had been eating. I haven’t eaten a real vegetable in a week. I’ll start bailing on social situations which makes me feel even more isolated. Throughout all of this is a permeating feeling of “fuck it”. I willingly give all of these things up because “life sucks anyway, I’m never going to be anything” etc.

I might be coming out of it today. I’m not sure. I made a point to eat a bit healthier yesterday but still not as good as I should have. I still have that choking feeling of wanting to cry that follows me around throughout the day but it’s subsided a little bit. I am exhausted despite doing nothing yesterday and sleeping in an extra three hours today. At least I did start filling out my planner again after leaving it in my gym bag all weekend.

Not much else to say about it. A lot of you know how this feels.

18 thoughts on “A Dark Weekend

  1. I feel for you. Last thing you need is advice from me so I’ll throw some in. Be kind to yourself, look after yourself and use every form of support available ( which it sounds like you are doing). I hope things turn round for you soon.
    Jim

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  2. Hopefully you’re feeling a bit better by now…depression is awful. The miracle med for me was first Paxil, then even better Remeron (Mirtazipine). The black dog hasn’t revisited in a long time, thank God. Hang in there my friend. 💜

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      1. I would suggest you consider looking at Remeron instead. Much fewer side effects, addresses anxiety as well and has virtually no withdrawal issues, unlike Paxil. It’s been my miracle med, above all others…and Ive tried pretty much everything out there over the years….let me know which med you end up with. Take care bro.

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      2. I’ll ask about it. I don’t know if it’s different in the UK but I’ve found that you typically can’t ask for specific medications here. You have to try whatever the psychiatrist thinks is going to work, unfortunately. Especially my current psychiatrist who considers himself to be a god who is never wrong. He’s going to be very disappointed that Wellbutrin and Abilify didn’t work. Lol!

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      3. I’m in Canada (Vancouver) and lived in the states a number of years too. If you tell your shrink that you know someone who did well on a med and ask if it might work for you too, they will most likely be open to it….

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Funny you would say that. Here in Vancouver, which is a big city, we have both pubs and bars. The Bars are in the downtown areas, in nightclubs and hotels. The Pubs are scattered throughout the city in close to or in the residential areas. One goes to a bar if in town on business or a local who wants to slip in anonymously to pound a few fast ones. Mostly a transient group. One goes to a pub to relax, socialise, play darts or pool and linger with the regulars, who often become good friends, like the UK slyle of neighborhood pub. I dislike the bars, but love a good pub. Good luck with your shrink my friend (they usually go to the bars, btw!).

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    1. I’m better, still depressed but better. Every day is another rung up on the ladder back towards daylight. I think when I start eating better again tonight it’ll kick the rest of the depression away. Thanks for checking in. 🙂

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