Still in the Doldrums

I haven’t been writing as much lately because I feel that nobody needs an endless torrent of misery levied at them, but I have some free time today and nothing else to do! I’m not quite as miserable as I was over the weekend… weekdays are always better just because I have something to focus on and am also around other human beings.

Yesterday was my birthday and I was actually blown away by how many people at work visited this year. A lot of the referees (mini-judges) stopped by my floor and they don’t do that often. I’d like to think it’s because people notice when you work hard but in all likelihood it’s because they were hungry, haha.

My therapy appointment went well and did manage to cheer me up a bit. Just talking about life with somebody who is a professional at it helps a great deal, I really think everyone should do it. I always thought that therapy was useless because it doesn’t really “fix” anyone. These days I understand that, while progress is extremely slow in the personal development department, therapy does play a huge part in it.

Blunt Japanese Woman has an interesting theory about introverts, that too much alone time can burn out your energy stores and lead to a depressive episode. I think I’ve found this to be true. I’ve been very isolated these past couple of years even despite not wanting to be. However, when an opportunity to meet with people does arise, something always gets in the way be it my own social anxiety or a massive depressive episode like this last time.

Sal, my therapist, helped to put things into perspective though. Yes, I may be burnt out on the gym, photography, music, etc. but I am still sober and I still do more with my day than the majority of people do. I’m in college with a 4.0 GPA, I read every day, I try to write SOMETHING every day, and I practice at least one thing even if my mood will only allow for a few minutes. Many people just go home from work and watch TV and nap. I’m at least doing better than that.

Not attaching images or any formatting to these recent posts I feel conveys how pointless and droll I find life to be right now. It’s also because I don’t have the energy or motivation to edit anything I’m writing or format it. Pictures just seem superfluous at the moment. It kind of makes me feel like my blog is disorganized and spiraling down the drain but I know that some day I’ll recover from this and be back to writing on a better level.

Diet is super important, I know, and I’ve been eating like a postmodern savage lately. My friend Moriah sent me this article last night and it has motivated me a bit. I had breakfast today and I’m going to make sure to eat some fatty fish like salmon with some veggies tonight to hopefully increase my energy tomorrow. I don’t have lunch though, so I don’t know what that’s going to do to me.

18 thoughts on “Still in the Doldrums

  1. Belated happy birthday dear.At the risk of sounding pushy, ii would still insist that u connect with ur fellow bloggers like us even when or especially when you are feeling low.. I do that and feel better..All my sad posts are the times I have been a little gloomy and posting it has worked to lift up my mood ….so proud of u how u r working on improving the quality of your life.your commitment and efforts r really commendable

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Hi ceponatia. Yeah your episode sounds like typical extrovert “depression” (quote marks here because I’m not a psychiatrist). You’re completely drained and lifeless because as an extrovert you NEED to be around other people to gain energy, but it’s hard because you’ve kind of gotten used to being alone. All I can say is, I hope that you’ll be able to find your way back to your happiness soon.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. You are creative and hard-working, you are caring, you are courageously truthful, you are sober/aware… what more can one really ask for in another? Keep doing such a good job…

    btw I feel the same about images on posts, unless I find the perfect one within seconds, though, I’ve learned not to bother, for my own sanity, lol. (but you do know about the built-in WP “free photo library,” right? in the drop-down “add media” menu, it links directly to images from Pexels, in the editor view…)

    sending birthday hugs, xo πŸ˜ŠπŸŽ‰πŸ™ŒπŸŽ‚β˜€οΈπŸŒ€

    Liked by 4 people

  4. It’s nice to see a post from you, I’ve been wondering where you went the past few days! Life seems to be all about making small, tiny steps of progress and you should try to be proud of yourself for doing such a thing, even if it doesn’t feel productive in the big-picture. Even if I open up a story/blog post and only edit or write a paragraph or two I try to think “Well, I did something I guess…”

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Belated Happy Birthday! You’re doing lots of good stuff – maybe the depressed times are when you’re ready to grieve some more? If you allow it then it can lighten the load as you come out of it I think – keep writing – I enjoy your posts! πŸ’ž

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Happy Birthday!! Pick up a good multivitamin and a Bcomplex with a lot of B12. You said it – diet is everything. We are what we eat. I am finally gaining some energy back, but at my age it takes being conscientious of what I take in. Take care of yourself!

    Liked by 3 people

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