Further From the Brink

I feel even better today; I didn’t eat as well as I planned yesterday (just didn’t have the energy) but I did cook a healthier meal than I have been eating. Chicken burrito bowl over rice. Rice is terrible for you but it’s a comfort food for me and I wanted it, darn it! All of the comments and well wishes I’ve received over the past week are much appreciated and I’ve tried to respond to all of them but if I’ve missed you, it’s just because I haven’t had the energy to write. Normally I’m excited to get WordPress notifications but in the past week it’s just been a tap-and-dismiss habit.

Documenting my feelings, though sparsely, has helped as well to get me to reflect on why I feel like this and in a way how silly it is. I’ve beaten myself up for having one, maybe two, weeks of lethargy when I’ve been absolutely killing it for 2 months prior. In the grand scheme of things this is nothing but it’s difficult to see that when you’re in the middle of it. Hopefully down the line, if and when this happens again, I’ll be able to re-read these posts and remind myself that it will end… especially if I don’t let myself binge on McDonalds and candy for a week.

Yesterday I had my chiropractic appointment (I go twice a week) and during my back adjustment apparently he got me to squirt some blood out of my nose. Not fresh, healthy blood but brown, sick, old blood. This is the second time this week I’ve had that nasty stuff come out of my nose and I’m not sure what’s up. You may remember that I had my nose cauterized about 4 weeks ago but this is coming out of the opposite nostril. I called the physician-on-call last night because the ENT was closed and he thought that what probably happened is my nose bled so badly before it was cauterized that it filled my sinuses and now they’re finally draining. My worry, though, is that I’ve been getting massive headaches every time this blood comes out which doesn’t seem like sinus drainage to me. I’m going to call the actual ENT in a few hours when they open. I just hope my brain isn’t bleeding (the dramatic hypochondriac in me).

Reading has been really lacking through this ordeal and I think that’s part of the reason I get so depressed: I set these goals for myself like finishing a book every two weeks so whenever I fall off of that habit, I fail that goal. I have an over-arching goal of finishing all of my currently owned books by the end of the year and now I’m way behind because of this episode and a few others in the past 6 months. It’s just time, though. Years are a human construct so does it really matter if I finish all of my books in February instead of January by 1st? Probably not. My brain just likes neat and tidy structure.

Just realized I forgot to take my medication this morning, too. That’s becoming a more and more frequent occurrence since my morning routine has been totally shattered. I can just take it after work so it’s not the end of the world, just makes me feel like a jack-ass.