The depression broke completely today. Thank God! I woke up motivated and energized. It could be that I have an interview this morning for a second job, feeling some sense of purpose and simultaneous fear. Fear is good, I think that depression a lot of times comes from the lack of fear. Once everything becomes mundane routine with nothing to look forward to with uncertainty, existence starts to lose its flavor.
I’m not bad off, I remind myself. I’m almost 40 and starting life as a normal 20 year old, but my life is far from over (I hope). What reminds me of this fact today is my interview for a second job at Kohl’s. A lot of people I work with have second jobs out of necessity; we work for a corrupt government which pays its elected officials and supervisors extravagantly and has the lowest paid employees in the surrounding counties.
However, thanks to my sobriety and relatively simple means (both closely related) I am getting a second job to get ahead rather than keep up. I never had children with a woman I shouldn’t have, never got in trouble with the law, never accrued significant debt, and so on. I don’t need that much money to keep up. So, I plan on living off of my second income (not totally sure yet what it’ll be but I only need about $100 a week) and the rest will go toward paying off the rest of my debt and my monthly bills. With this plan, my debt will be paid off before the end of the year and then I’ll be able to start investing again.
Things are looking up, for now. This has been a lesson. To stave off the darkness I have to stay just on the edge of how much responsibility and fear I can handle. I’m going to be looking for more activities that get me out of my comfort zone; social activities for sure.