…is what I’m feeling currently.
We all wish we could have more energy, right? Not me, not today! I haven’t even taken my Adderall yet or drank my coffee and I’m jittery, focused like a knife-edge, and actually social for a change.
I attribute this to the new meal plan I’m on, 100%. My body has probably never been this nourished before. Even when I tried meal planning in the past, it wasn’t done with much thought or attention to detail and was more about counting calories and carbs than packing as many nutrients as possible into a day.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate this feeling. I’m just not used to being this awake at 7:00 in the morning. Yesterday was definitely one of the best days of my life as far as energy, mood, and productivity go and today is shaping up to be even stronger.
But this Scares Me
Is this just a temporary “high” before I crash into depression and apathy again? Will I suddenly lose all interest in preparing meals, working out, and getting enough sleep? Most likely. It’s what’s happened every time before this, even if this time feels different.
All I can do is try to make sure that my next meal, workout, plan, etc. is met with success. That’s how motivation builds up over time, I’ve found. We have to focus on the next task and make sure it gets done, otherwise we start backsliding into those feelings of futility again.
Positivity (how is this word not in my browser’s dictionary? How telling) has helped me stay focused too, but it’s a bit of a catch 22 because without all of this energy I wouldn’t be able to keep it up. I’ve made a conscious effort over the last couple of days to not think about the future as much because when I do, I inevitably only think of what will go wrong.
Ever have conversations with people in your head that are both extremely unlikely and negative? I do, all the time. Eating a single piece of bread launches my imagination into a full-blown argument with someone I barely know telling me how fat and worthless I am. Nobody is going to do that. Well, nobody who matters. It’s like my mind is so used to playing Devil’s Advocate that it’s simply decided to promote itself straight to Devil.
So, no thinking about the future. Also: I’ve stopped worrying about what other people do, especially at work. Whenever something completely stupid and avoidable happens, I tell myself “they’re doing the best they can, you can’t expect any better of them” and leave it at that. I also tell myself that my job is valuable and that I’m providing a necessary service to mankind (which is true but… well I’ll leave it at that).
Fear of Failure
My perfectionism and fear of failure has gotten better thanks to this mindset (so far, I mean let’s be fully realistic it’s only been a day). I try to not even think about a year down the line when it comes to things I’m working on. If I work on today, every day, it’s inevitable that I’ll be better off in a year, so why worry? Thinking about my skills in a years time only ever brings up the thought “ugh you’re too stupid to do this, look at how bad you suck… you’ll never be as good as ________.”
So that’s today. I’m worried about losing this streak, of course, even when I’m trying frantically to not worry about the future. It’s inevitable. But I feel like I have the worry under control.