That’s right, I’m writing two posts today but I’m scheduling this one to post later because I hate it when WP clumps two posts together as if they are one thing. I am sure they do that to prevent people from spamming their readers’ feeds (had to unfollow a few people who did that) but it looks ugly.
I struggle with feeling normal. “Normal“, as if that’s a legitimate thing. I lie awake at night thinking about it, though. I don’t know any other men who do what I do every day… nor do I know any women. I practice piano, finger drumming on a sampler, read ancient books from Greek philosophers and historians, obsess over minutiae in people’s statements to the point that I spend an hour Googling facts before responding to them… etc.
Most guys my age just go to work, play golf on the weekends, and have dinner with their wife and kids. I feel very out of touch with the rest of my generation. I don’t regret the things that I do, I’m rather proud of them actually. I’ve managed to continue pursuing my passions long after most men have thrown in the towel and accepted a life of mediocrity. But it makes it very difficult to connect with people.
When I tell friends and coworkers what I do in my free time I can feel visceral judgment coming from them. I don’t know if it’s jealousy that I have the time to do these things or if they think I’m childish for continuing to play electronic music into my 40’s despite never having achieved any measure of success at it. I’m not trying to, though, I just like doing it (don’t get me wrong it’d be great to play live at festivals worldwide but I am a realist, lol). I would like to write one great song some day… just one is all I ask for. That’s why I picked up piano and will likely learn more instruments after this. You can’t be a great musician without understanding theory, I stand by that belief in the face of all the bedroom hip hop producers out there who scream otherwise (their music is instantly forgettable).
So given this… do I really desire to fit in? Part of me does. I’ve kind of given up on dating… not in a bad way but more in the way that I haven’t met a woman I am genuinely attracted to in so long that it feels a bit like a waste of time, but when I do try to date my hobbies are definitely something that makes a woman raise her eyebrow.
“Sooo… you live with your mother and you play music all day… okay man-baby” someone once said to me on an online forum. In fairness I don’t know what sex that person was but they claimed to be a woman, lol. What else do people do though?
If you’ve read this far… please… tell me… what do you do when you’re not at work? I’m not asking for you to make me feel better, I just would like to know what other people do in their free time, maybe for some perspective.