Maybe some people have noticed (or likely nobody noticed) that I’ve been writing very, very, very little lately! There are quite a few things I’ve wanted to write about but I never feel like I have the time to dedicate to writing something that does them any service. Taking Adderall is a roadblock as well because it gives me so much social energy that I rarely want to sit in front of my computer and write.
I’ve also gone through a sort of metamorphosis intellectually over the last couple of months so I don’t want to pour my soul out about the things that I’ve been thinking about until I’m sure of what my actual opinions are. I’ve definitely noticed, though, that all of my life I’ve allowed myself to be bullied and manipulated into saying that I agree with certain viewpoints and ideologies when down to my core I don’t at all. It’s hard to think for yourself, legitimately. There are a lot of biological and neurological processes that make being agreeable preferable. Everyone loves to believe that they’re “free thinkers” who form their own opinions but the overwhelming majority of people are always looking around to make sure it’s okay for them to believe what they believe. A big part of me is really over that game and I’ve been getting a lot of push-back because of it but that’s why independence is so uncomfortable and rare. Even science is just a politically correct mess these days. I don’t think we’re in a good place.
Although it’s been quite some time (relatively speaking) since my last post, I have been writing. When looking over what I’ve written from an objective perspective, it’s been lacking and I’ve routinely decided to keep it in the draft bin until edits can be made. Part of the problem is that I’m expressing strong opinions in them and want to make sure I’m accurate and have done my homework. In doing so I’ve found that in some cases I didn’t really know what I was talking about. In other cases I believe that I have a strong argument but I know they’re sensitive topics and need to be broached with caution.
In an effort to “get something posted” I’m writing this aimless entry; perhaps a personal update is in order. Although I don’t believe in such a thing as “rock bottom”, I could say that I’d hit that point this week. Much of my time has been wasted on useless activities and my school work as a whole has suffered over the course of Lockdown. I’m still an “A” student because this is not a difficult college by any means, but I’m not personally proud of the work that I’ve done and I don’t feel I’ve learned anything in the past few courses.
My current course will provide an opportunity for redemption. It involves much more writing and analytical thinking than my previous three courses which were just practice labs and multiple choice quizzes with fairly obvious answers. Further, this course is the first in a while in which I genuinely am not familiar with the content so not only will I be writing but I’ll have to also research my subject while writing… a skill which is handy here as well.
I’ve decided to begin reading again and to take more notes. I’ve purchased a planner so that I can begin organizing my days and sticking to a schedule again. The timing isn’t a coincidence, work is beginning to ramp back up and for the most part my state’s shelter in place order is being lifted. It’d be unrealistic to think that life is going to return to the way it was but at least I’ll be able to get a haircut.